my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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