so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
