umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
