Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
