My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
