Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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