I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
