You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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