don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
