the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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