Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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