you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize