oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize