The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
