I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
