I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
