Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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