Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
