I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
