She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
