im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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