her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize