Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
