I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
