Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
