whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
why do cheetos always look like penises
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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