I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
