The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
