I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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