I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
