I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
