I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
