I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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