I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
