I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
