he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
