he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
