My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
