On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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