Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
