In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
