I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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