were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
