HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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