I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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