if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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