Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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