she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize