My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
