I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
