final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Randomize