he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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