Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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